The Fart Patrol

I need to share this funny anecdote that was told to me by a fellow flight attendant on a recent trip. It demonstrates how absolutely crazy and off the wall the traveling public can be. And just when I thought I heard everything!

Cora (not her real name) was working a flight between SEA and MIA (again folks, if you’re not familiar with airport city codes, I have a link on my blog to assist you. My apologies, but I’m just lazy to type out the entire city.) I believe it was an all-nighter flight.

BACKGROUND: If you haven’t flown on an all-nighter, one will generally get an eclectic group of travelers, ranging from the fare conscious traveler, to the student on a budget, to the bizarre. Based on my past experience, crazy, unusual, and funny things usually happen on these flights.

Anyway, a passenger call light went off and Cora answered it not knowing what was coming up. The conversation goes as follows:

Passenger (P): Do you smell that?!?! (Apparently, this passenger was upset)

Cora (C): (Taking a whiff) Smell what?

P: That smell! I believe someone is farting!!

C: Farting?

P: Yes, farting! I believe it’s the man behind us!

C: Are you sure it’s him? It can really be anyone.

P: I’m sure it is! I want you to wake him and tell him to stop!

C: Ma’am, I can’t do that. First of all, we don’t really know if it’s him, and plus he’s sleeping. I don’t want to disturb him. If it really bothers you, I do have some open seats. You’re more than welcome to move. (Using her best customer service skills, and doing everything possible not to bust out laughing!)

P: Well, we shouldn’t have to move! That wasn’t his original seat! He moved there! He should move!

C: Well ma’am, I wish I could help you out. I’m not willing to wake this man because I’m not sure he is the source of the problem. Unless you’re willing to change seats, there isn’t much I can help you with.

P: That’s completely absurd! What is your company’s policy on farting? There has to be some sort of procedures you have to follow, isn’t there?

C: There’s none that I’m aware of, ma’am.

P: I want your name!! I’ll make sure the airline hears about this! I shouldn’t have to endure this for the next 5 hours!

C: I’ll get the address for customer service, and you make sure that you tell the airline in detail the inconvenience you’ve experienced tonight. I will also give you my name and employee number, too.

Well, Cora heads to the galley and shares the story with her fellow flight attendants and also with the pilots. Of course, a good laugh was shared by one and all. One of the pilots commented that he didn’t realize that being that being on “fart patrol” was one of the many duties of a flight attendant. Of course, this was the brunt of everyone’s jokes for the rest of the flight.

Come to think of it, this would have been a great ad for Bean-o!